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Tuesday, March 16, 2010

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Friday, February 26, 2010

The Hypnotist Show

Have you ever felt as if your whole world has been turned upside down. Everything is a bit groggy. You don't remember what the **** happened the night that you went out partying? Well thats how some of the people at the bar felt last night.
  Your Getting sleepy your getting very very sleepy,  more sleepy now. You are so relaxed, so sleepy 10 times deeper is what he said.

                                                                    And when I count down from 5 your all fucked haha.
Everyone came to party so thats what the Hypnotist had them do. Blonde thought she was on laughing gas.
And when your on laughing gas your nose picks up some of the best smells ever.Have you ever showered with garnier fructis.There hair must have smelled 100 times better than that because I thought they were going to start eating eachothers hair.
But you know what. Maybe your nose is just more sensitive all together. Like your getting a wiff of something that came from a California happy cows ass. Homie got a nose full of that special sauce and didn't seem like he was enjoying it one bit.
You know what you do when you just can't get away from that nasty smell that just won't stop lingering around your nostrils.You hop in your ferrari and drive as fast as you can.
Just make sure you don't get a speeding ticket.Those policemen will get you when your going 175 in a 25 mile per hour zone. But its all good, just make up a good excuse. Homie just told the cop he was an alien and started speaking in an alien language. Works like a charm every time!!
You know that feeling you get when you get out of a speeding ticket. Its one of the best feelings in the world. It just makes you wanna dance. Hell why not do the chicken dance. Nobody is watching. Just the whole bar, haha.
Thats right just dance it off girl.
So after that Mrs Santa clause was pretty pissed off at Santa(the bouncer). Apparently she was working way to hard and he was a fucker and a lazy ass and thats just bullshit.

Little blonde had a pet "kitty" that she absolutely loved and it wasn't smelly in the slightest. Cause normally skunk kitties have the nicest odor in the world you know.
Until Mr. Hypnotist wakes you up for a bit and you realize that its a skunk that your holding. I wonder how much of that nice shampoo it would take to get that smell out of your hair.
The cute chick version of captain Jack Sparrow also Showed up for the festivities. She even beat up a few bad pirates with her amazing sword.
So after all of this crazy stuff going on it really makes you want to just light up one of the best spliffs you can find. I mean when did they start selling weed cigarettes that were so damn good. I thought people paid hypnotists to get them to stop smoking. haha

 The show ended up with some scary movies. 
        Some voodoo monkeys.

Some angry phone calls to President Obama and Paris Hilton.
Apparently retired Mrs. Santa Clause needs her Health Care and little blonde hates Paris Hilton and thinks shes a little bitch and a slut and she is a strait up cunt.
She may be a bitch whore but I think she probably has better runway skills than any of you guys that were being hypnotized.

I think The moral of the story here is we can trick our brains to do whatever we want to do.
We can be who we wanna be. Even if you feel like the times are hard and money is just outside of your reach....

You can always rely on friends, family, and your mental attitude. and no matter how tough things are out there. Just know that you can always feel like you have won the lottery. When you come to The Swallows Inn.

Just do us a favor. Make sure you keep your shoes on your feet. If you are too drunk to drive and you need to call a cab. Let me or any of the other bouncers know. Your shoe is not a phone.
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The Hypnotist Show

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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Karaoke Night

So I am going to keep this post very brief because I am busy building one of my other websites but last night was karaoke night and its was an all around good night but pretty darn slow. You people need to start drinking more OK!! But one thing that did stand out is the asian guy and the girl with the oldschool hair all poofed up singing some scorpions songs. I have to say they were very entertaining. I really enjoyed listening to them and they put on quite a show haha. But I will tell you what I am really excited about is tonight! There is a hypnotist show and I am definitely bringing my camera to capture some of the funny moments. I'm sure I will have some stories to tell tonight at around 3am so stick around.
Peace out my homies haha
sorry i'm in a hyper mood I love watching people get hypnotized haha

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Women and motorcycles

So it was karaoke night at the bar last night. Met a couple really cool people. This couple came in and I was speaking with them outside for a while about marketing and all the little ideas I have that would be funny to implement into bar restrooms. I am just itching to tell you guys my ideas but I know that if someone takes the ideas I have and runs with them they will be richy rich over there and I will be pissed. So I am going to wait till I have funds to put my brain into action. haha.

Anyway as I was saying I met this couple. Super cool couple. It was there turn to sing. The guy starts singing and had a really good voice. I was impressed. They were singing a duet. When it comes time for his lady to sing. Ouch! Somebody give me earplugs. This girl was the most tone deaf person I had ever heard step into that bar on a karaoke night. I have to give it to the guy. I don't know how he could take it because he obviously was anything but tone deaf and she sounded like a squeaky door.

So moving on later in the night one of my buddies always rides his motorcycle to the bar. I always see him with women on the back when he leaves. Guys if you are wondering how you can get a girl back home with you. I'm telling you right now. Get a motorcycle. Women love motorcycles. I don't know if its the bad boy image, the speed, the vibration on there you know what. But it gets them all hot and bothered when you get them on the back of that bike.

All in all it was a pretty slow night but at the same time very fun. Oh and I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world now. Its now official. So I am stoked on that. If you see me with a huge smile on my face. Its probably because I am thinking of her.

Stay tuned for more to come.

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day!!

Tips for some of the guys that just don't get it!

Tonight was an all around awesome night. Great music. A lot of friends came out and were dancing the night away. But I have to just touch on a few things with the guys out there. I had a guy call his wife a bitch in front of me tonight. I told him don't call her a bitch. He said shes my wife. I told him even more reason to not call her a bitch and your not calling any girl a bitch in this bar. Now maybe its just me because I have 2 sisters that I am very close with but if I knew that a guy was calling my sister a bitch for no good reason I would beat the spit out of his mouth if you know what I mean. Another guy gave a girl his business card by sticking it in her shirt while grabbing the goods. Put the card in her hand asshole. It will get you a lot further. That being said guys, just respect women. It will get you where you wanna be and lets face it. If it weren't for women us guys would be lost.

The night ended with a guy coming back to get his jacket and handing one of the other bouncers a rose and saying happy valentines day bud. He wasn't gay he was just drunk. Haha

I am beat. Goodnight to all. Guys don't forget about valentines day. Treat your girl to a good night out.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Public Transportation and Funny older women

So I rode the bus to work last night. I always end up talking to the weirdest people. There was this guy last night(younger guy) that kept sticking his tongue out when he talked. I swear his tongue was like Gene Simmons from kiss. He was like a snake just sticking his tongue out super far after almost every sentence. I asked him what he does for work because he looked like he worked at a movie theater. He had a bow tie on and was looking pretty sharp. He said oh you know just walk around and pick up trash and stuff. I was asking what his position was not what his job description was. Anyway I thought he was a pretty funny cat. couldn't get passed the tongue thing though. A little strange if you ask me.

It was a pretty fun friday night. Started out with mostly older people but as it got later some younger kids started to show up. This group of 21 year old kids show up. Mostly Mexican but one white dude. One of them just rushed passed me strait to the bar. I grab his arm and say hey I need to see your ID before you come in here like that. I check all of his buddies IDs and they were all 21. He said he left his ID in his jacket. The way he rushed in he obviously wasn't 21. I'm only 22 I know all the tricks. So I told him sorry bud you can't come in.

Now I don't know what part of you can't come in he didn't understand but about 15 minutes later after I had told the bouncer at the back door to look out for this guy the moron tries to jump over the fence in the back which is about 6 feet tall and then has another 4 foot drop on the backside. The kid being stupid and unathletic catches his foot on the railing and eats it right on his face. The other bouncer said he thought the kid was going to break his neck. Some people have a few screws loose in there tiny little brains. Anyway he ended up helping the kid up and kicked him strait out and told him to use his head and not in the way of landing gear.

Later on there were some older ladies that stuck plastic cups over there boobs and thought it would be funny to walk around and see who noticed first haha. I hope I have that much fun when I'm older.

Anyway it was a pretty entertaining night and had some good music playing.
 Stay tuned for stories from tonight

Friday, February 12, 2010

American Idol is in the Air!

I start off my night with a nice hot cup of hot chocolate from Starbucks. I got to work a bit early so I decided to pop over to Starbucks and warm up a bit. I finished my drink and headed to the bar.

I get to the bar and was very happy to see that one of my friends who had just finished with chemotherapy had some hair growing back on her head. My mother passed away of breast cancer when I was 13 so it always hurts to see people battling cancer. But anyways moving on, I was talking with her for a bit getting all the heaters set up outside and then the other bouncer got there.

Some of the kids that come in brought some super model looking girls with them this time. 2 Blondes that were really cute. I swear that place has been getting better and better for the eye candy. My lady friend came in to dance and I am always so excited to see her when I am working. It makes it feel like I am not even working when shes there. She has so much energy and is absolutely stunning. It was a bit of a slow night but still some great music and right before we closed there was a group of kids singing. One of them had a pretty good voice but must have been pretty drunk because he was singing aint no valley high aint no mountain low. I told him karaoke is on Wednesdays. At least then he will get the words right haha.

Not an extremely action packed night but a lot of friends came out and was good to see everyone.
I am beat. Its 3am. GOODNIGHT WORLD

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Wedding Crashers and William Hung in the Same Room!!

Tonight was one of those nights where you just wish you had a hidden camera. I get to the bar a bit early so I order some Tacos, which by the way are the best Tacos in the world!!

It was karaoke night so people were taking their turns singing. There was a guy singing some eagles songs that was really good and a woman that comes in quite a lot who has an amazing voice. Then this guy who is one of the most entertaining guys I have ever met comes on stage. It is like watching the movie wedding crashers all over again. He is like a mix between Jay Z and Vince Vaughn when he sings. He talks throughout the whole song and still makes it interesting to listen too. Haha really funny stuff.

Towards the end of the night here comes an Asian fellow in a full black tracksuit. lol. Ok a little weird going to a bar in a tracksuit but no worries I will let it slide. He gets up on stage and OMG its Willam Hung from american idol all over again. I was sitting there trying to look scary cause i'm the bouncer and I could not keep a straight face haha. It was hilarious. Someone give this guy a record deal.

Half way through the night these people that who had were probably on a pretty good buzz were putting quarters on there elbows and trying to throw their hand down and catch them in their hand. They were trying it over and over again and couldn't get it. I go over there and get it first try. Not hard people its called being sober. A lot easy to catch the quarter off the elbow. It was like watching 5 year olds play. But gotta admit pretty fun trying to catch a quarter off of your elbow haha.

The night ended with some girls making out in the corner looking as though they were getting pretty into it. Not sure if that was love or just a lot of alcohol. All around  it was a fun night.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Beer Pong Tuesday

Last Night was beer pong tuesday.
With the economy being so slow the manager decided to have no bouncers on a tuesday night so I decided to go out and see what the customers perspective of beer pong tuesdays was all about.

We get there and there were a few beer pong tables out. One was all empty as if they had saved it for me and my lovely(and extremely gorgeous) friend. We set up all the cups and started playing.

It was pretty even and I had sunk about 4 balls in when this older woman came over to us. She said oh are you playing ping pong. I said uhh its a bit like that and let her throw a couple times. She sunk one in so I had to drink. BUMMER right! So my friend and I continue to play and this lady starts like jinxing the table. She would knock on the table and I could not make it in. We finally finished the game and I ended up winning. I snuck one in before the old chick voodooed me haha.

But then she decided she was going to be a physic. She was trying to get our names right and after asking all these questions and holding our hands and all this weird shit she still couldn't get anything right so I said you know what lady. It was lovely talking with you but I came to hang out with my friend here and not you. After that I went home haha. But there is always a funny story to tell at that place. The best people watching ever.

Monday, February 8, 2010

Introduction to a Bar Bouncer

When I was a young teenager I would always look at bouncers of bars and nightclubs and think I wonder what that job would be like. There the boss. No matter who someone is they decide whether they can have a fun night of dancing and drinking at that establishment or not. But I always wondered what they see. What they have to deal with. And the stories they might have from being in a position where all the beautiful ladies come to them for protection.

I came from a background of extreme sports and managed to find myself living and visiting some of the most beautiful places in the world. Hawaii, Lake Tahoe, Zermatt Switzerland, Whistler- British Columbia and it had seemed as though my mind had grown in age faster than my body. At the young age of 22 I had seemed to have done more and seen more than most people in there 40s.

So the last place I was living was the beautiful North Shore of Oahu. I was doing surf photography and finish carpentry for money and making a killing at $50/hour with certain projects on the construction jobs. I managed to live the life out there for almost 3 years until the economy over there just shut down.

I found myself back in California but this time it was Southern California instead of Northern California where I grew up. I thought what can I do with the limited amount of contacts I have out here in Southern California. So I went on the job hunt. I knew a guy who I had been camping with and he said they may be looking for extra bouncers at this famous little dive bar in San Juan Capistrano. Flash backs of the interest I had as a little teen came to my mind, and I jumped at the opportunity. The money might not be what I was used to but the stories and contacts I would make would be worth it.

So here are my stories of being a bouncer. The fights, the women, the music, the drunks.
Follow me and read my MEMOIRS OF A BOUNCER

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